Something a little different – a film review

by guyspartacus

So, last night I went to see this new Batman film that everyone’s been raving about.

Firstly, since when did cinemas start charging over £9 to see a sodding film? NINE FUCKING POUNDS! For what it cost for 2 of us I could have bought the Blu-Ray special edition megamix version in special bat tin case – if I wanted to that is – and, indeed, if I had a Blu-ray player. Alas, I don’t want to, nor do I have a Blu-ray player.

The cinema was absolutely packed out – not an empty seat. At over £9 a ticket they took over £3000 for this viewing alone – one of 15 different showings that day – AND THAT’S JUST ONE COCKING FILM! I looked at the prices for ‘snacks and refreshments’ too, now that is a fucking joke if ever I saw one. Popcorn at £6 a bag, postmix drinks at £4 each – the costs for these must be pence, these cunts are making a fucking killing.

While also being ripped off, the cinema-going public also apparently require air conditioning to be blasted at them for the duration of their expensive experience. It was fucking baltic in there.

 

So, onto the film. I don’t know whether a certain degree of back-bat-knowledge is required before watching this but I’m fucked if I could make any sense of it.

The main baddie, Bane, is impossible to understand what with his frankly ridiculous accent and acoustically impossible voice. Batman’s voice is also as ridiculous as ever, though a few other characters seem to adopt the ‘mutter as deeply as possible’ method that the director seemed pleased with. Bane also doesn’t seem to have any reason for his rampage in Gotham City, neither does his accomplice – I think there was an attempt to explain their links to Batman but it was convoluted, noisy and didn’t make sense.

The film is horribly noisy pretty much all the way through, and dark – I know it’s called ‘The Dark Knight Rises’, but the screen was so dark most of the time it was a job to see what the fuck was going on.

Without spoiling the plot for others more fortunate that haven’t seen it yet there’s not much else to be said. Apart from the fact that IT’S OVER TWO AND HALF HOURS LONG! Two and a half hours of mumbling, dark, confusing plot holes with silly costumes and gadgets. I’m more than happy to suspend reality while watching a film based on a super-hero, but jesus wept, this is ridiculous.

One last thing, that stupid bat-bike that’s supposed to be going really fast? It doesn’t look like it’s going really fast and the flappy cape is fucking stupid.

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