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Something a little different – a film review

So, last night I went to see this new Batman film that everyone’s been raving about.

Firstly, since when did cinemas start charging over £9 to see a sodding film? NINE FUCKING POUNDS! For what it cost for 2 of us I could have bought the Blu-Ray special edition megamix version in special bat tin case – if I wanted to that is – and, indeed, if I had a Blu-ray player. Alas, I don’t want to, nor do I have a Blu-ray player.

The cinema was absolutely packed out – not an empty seat. At over £9 a ticket they took over £3000 for this viewing alone – one of 15 different showings that day – AND THAT’S JUST ONE COCKING FILM! I looked at the prices for ‘snacks and refreshments’ too, now that is a fucking joke if ever I saw one. Popcorn at £6 a bag, postmix drinks at £4 each – the costs for these must be pence, these cunts are making a fucking killing.

While also being ripped off, the cinema-going public also apparently require air conditioning to be blasted at them for the duration of their expensive experience. It was fucking baltic in there.

 

So, onto the film. I don’t know whether a certain degree of back-bat-knowledge is required before watching this but I’m fucked if I could make any sense of it.

The main baddie, Bane, is impossible to understand what with his frankly ridiculous accent and acoustically impossible voice. Batman’s voice is also as ridiculous as ever, though a few other characters seem to adopt the ‘mutter as deeply as possible’ method that the director seemed pleased with. Bane also doesn’t seem to have any reason for his rampage in Gotham City, neither does his accomplice – I think there was an attempt to explain their links to Batman but it was convoluted, noisy and didn’t make sense.

The film is horribly noisy pretty much all the way through, and dark – I know it’s called ‘The Dark Knight Rises’, but the screen was so dark most of the time it was a job to see what the fuck was going on.

Without spoiling the plot for others more fortunate that haven’t seen it yet there’s not much else to be said. Apart from the fact that IT’S OVER TWO AND HALF HOURS LONG! Two and a half hours of mumbling, dark, confusing plot holes with silly costumes and gadgets. I’m more than happy to suspend reality while watching a film based on a super-hero, but jesus wept, this is ridiculous.

One last thing, that stupid bat-bike that’s supposed to be going really fast? It doesn’t look like it’s going really fast and the flappy cape is fucking stupid.

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McDonald’s – in a sodding service station

Last night, on a drive back from Sevenoaks, I decided I’d try McDonald’s for the first time in about 15 years.

I saw the signs along the M20, Costa coffee and a big yellow M. Leeds Castle, Junction 8 if you want to visit (I wouldn’t bother though).

Parked up and shuffled in to the big brown building that houses this gamut of delights – fat families already in view, walking out with big beige paper bags that were rapidly becoming darker as the grease soaked out from the inside. I joined the queue – why is there always a queue at these places? – and perused the menu.

‘Why not try a few things?’ I thought as people stuffed their faces around me…so I did.

The young lad behind the till wasn’t the brightest, but I assumed he’d at least have a grasp of his remit as a McDonald’s employee – you know what they say about assumption though. He didn’t understand the till, he had trouble with the drinks machine and generally seemed unsure about the whole system he was a part of (maybe something to be admired).

So – onto the food.

McChicken Nuggets (6 No.) – Relatively innocuous lumps of what seemed to be genuine chicken meat dipped in ketchup one has to pour into little paper cups.

Big Mac – Apparently the original and best (I can’t believe they’re talking about burgers in general with this statement – maybe the original and best burger called a Big Mac, or maybe the original and best double burger with a bit of bun in the middle). Again, beige food that doesn’t have much texture – turns into a mush in the mouth with very little mastication, not unpleasant in taste but nothing to write home about.

Cheddar Supreme – Some speciality promotion thing to do with being English. Similar in texture to the Big Mac, oval rather than round. The ‘cheddar’ didn’t add anything of value and the mayo and relish seemed to have been applied by someone that had been given a ladle and wanted to find a use for it. Again, not unpleasant in flavour but mushy and way too much sauce.

After this little trip into this most popular of eating establishments. I very much doubt I’ll go again, perhaps for another 15 years. Maybe by that time the food will just be savoury beige cubes. Hey, at least I’m prepared for the Olympics now.

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Hoodener's Horse

Silly horse costume

The Hoodener’s Horse

I’ma carry on in a minute, but first I’m gonna let y’all know what a Hoodener’s Horse is.

Hoodening is something a certain breed of person does around Christmas time – the same breed of person that does Morris dancing in the spring – i.e. cunts. They dress up in idiot clothes and hold a wooden horse with a flappy mouth while miming something about resurrection – generally interfering with a decent night out and making everyone hate them.

That’s got nothing to do with this place other than the name. This is a Mexican style restaurant in a tiny pub in a tiny village. There are a number of them around my area so I feel it deserves a review.

We were the only ones there, aside from what looked like the local drunk slumped in the corner – bit dark and oppressive with red paint on the walls and not many windows (the room, not the drunk). Pint of Doom Bar and some nachos to start with. SALTY AS ALL HELL. It’s like they took a packet of Doritos and added salt, along with cheese, sour cream and salsa, and the amount – jeez – we had a small one to share but that was plenty for 2. I dread to think what a large one would look like.

Main course, chicken fajitas for 2. On one of those skillets that sizzles, makes you cough and gives 1st degree burns to your hand if you so much as glance at it. So, the self-build meal commences. Tortilla wrap, meat, guacamole, sour cream, cheese, salsa, wrap it up, stuff it in. OH LORDY, THERE’S SOME FAJITA IN MY SALT.

Another couple of pints of Doom Bar required to wash it down. Persevered as I was hungry, 5 fajitas smashed up in my gob.

Was tempted to go for ‘Eaten Mess’ dessert but couldn’t be arsed as it would probably be laced with salt.

Annoyed the staff by producing a 2 for 1 voucher that we’d got in the post at the end rather than the start of the meal (seems they adapt how much meat they give you if you’re on the cheap – cheeky little protip for you there).

Now the morning after and it still feels like the moisture is being sucked out of my mouth by salt.

Wicked.

 

Chiquitos

35 minute wait for a table during which I was charged £4.20 for a pint of San Miguel pish and £2.39 for a diet Coke.

Restaurant is filled with a smokey haze from the hot skillets they insist on dousing in some sort of citric acid to make them spit and smoke on their journey to the tables – makes everything stink.

Complimentary tortilla chips and salsa are plonked on the table – they’re soft and chewy like cardboard, the salsa is watery and flavourless

eventually an order is taken

25 minutes later a starter arrives, chicken wings – 6 No. Coated in a sticky jerk sauce served with enough jerk sauce to drown them twice over. All bone, about 1/4 of a mouthful of chicken on each. The missus had nachos, they were the same soft chewy chips, only with a teaspoon of ‘guacamole’ that seemed to be lacking in avocado – a splash of watery salsa and covered in fake, orangey coloured cheese that looked like it had come out of a bottle.

Another 25 minute wait.

Main course – ‘Chiq chiq chicken’, Mexican style. 1/4 of a chicken breast and half a wing, still on the carcass – 3 x more carcass than meat – all doused in a spicy sauce and served with 2 sorts of rice (presumably to make one feel full).
The missus had a chilli beef burrito. Served with rice. The menu failed to mention that the burrito is actually filled with rice too – only about 4 bits of beef to be found, so it was in fact a rice filled tortilla with rice.

Waited another 10 minutes for the bill, then a further 10 before they bothered to take our money.

If it was any more than £9.99 each I’d have fucking walked.

How the fuck are these places so popular?

chiquito

Chiquitos

not the one I went to, but they’re all the fucking same anyway

Nandos-Ashford

The venue

looks like it is

Nando’s

I was expecting a standard restaurant where some plebeian teenager comes and takes your order and your food arrives a little while later.

IT’S A FUCKING SELF FUCKING SERVICE FUCKING CANTEEN STYLE FUCKING THING!
What the fuck!?

You have to queue up and order like at McDonalds, then go and wait – at least they bring you the food out though. You have to help yourself to cutlery, napkins, sauces and drinks for fucks sake.

The food was OK I suppose – had a whole chicken (hot), regular fries and a side order of halloumi – £17.50

Still though, it’s not a fucking restaurant is it

4/10

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